Overcoming the Bonds of Pornography

We have the victory in Christ Jesus

Recently I wrote on the subject of masturbation, and so it is natural that I now write on the subject of pornography.

Before I start, I must give credit to Porn Free Millenial, who has reviewed my writing, edited it, and added to the post. So thank you very much.

For starters here are some statistics to set the scene (they are not comfortable reading).

1. 47% of families in the United States reported that pornography is a problem in their homes. Pornography use increases the marital infidelity rate by more than 300%.

2. 11 is the average age that a child is first exposed to porn, and 94% of children will see porn by the age of 14.

3. 56% of American divorces involve one party having an “obsessive interest” in pornographic websites.

4. 70% of Christian youth pastors report that they have had at least one teen come to them for help in dealing with pornography in the past 12 months.

5. 68% of church-going men and over 50% of pastors view porn regularly. Of young Christian adults 18-24 years old, 76% actively search for porn.

6. 59% of pastors said that married men seek their help for porn use. 

7. 57% of pastors say porn addiction is the most damaging issue in their congregation. 69% say porn has adversely impacted the church.

Credit to Frontier Missions

From the figures above, we can come to a safe conclusion, that when we go to church and greet some of our fellow church members/ attendees, they may be viewing pornography regularly. This is a depressing fact. Not only is porn hurting families but it also hurting the ministry of the church. I have been a Christian for 45 years and the number of times I have heard the dangers of porn from the pulpit, I can probably count on one hand. It pains me to consider that the man of God who is standing at the pulpit preaching the Word of God may have been looking at porn, immersed in sinful actions the previous day.

By far, the most searched-for terms on the internet are related to pornography. So, the most searched-for terms on the internet are related to sin. Pornography is rampant in the world today, the internet is saturated with porn, and we can see porn on TV.  

According to Fight the New Drug, a non-religious and non-legislative nonprofit that exists to provide individuals the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding pornography by raising awareness on its harmful effects, “In 2019 alone, the equivalent of nearly 6,650 centuries of porn was consumed on one of the world’s largest porn sites..1 out of every 8 porn titles shown to first-time users on porn home pages describe acts of sexual violence…According to data from the SEMrush Traffic Analytics tool, as of May 2021 porn sites received more website traffic in the U.S. than Twitter, Instagram, Netflix, Pinterest, and LinkedIn ALL combined.”

There is indeed something sinister at work here since the union of the internet, the smartphone, and the completely anonymous/accessible/affordable nature of modern day pornography. Pornography has been widely accepted by “popular culture” as something that people just do in private to satisfy their natural urges with the complete absence of its harmful effects on our soul’s relationship with God and the people in our lives. However, despite what people say about it being harmless, the evidence proves that pornography is extremely harmful.

Satan has succeeded in perverting God’s good gift of sex perhaps more than any other of God’s gifts. Satan has taken what is good and right (loving sex between a husband and wife) and replaced it with lust, pornography, and other sins. Pornography can be, and is very frequently, the first step on a slippery slope of sexual addiction and ungodly desires, Paul wrote, “... Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness.” (Rom 6:19, NIV) Do you see the word “slaves”? Slaves have no choice in the matter, and it is the same with pornography we don't seem to have any choice but we are drawn into and stuck in the vice of porn. We feel helpless, completely unable to be freed from the clutches of porn. The addictive nature of pornography is well documented. Initially, the pictures that are viewed are softcore (Playboy, etc.) but eventually, the desire is to go for more and more hardcore. And yet that in itself does not seem to satisfy our desire. We want more, we need more. 

The term masturbation itself implies that there is a master and I believe that master is our pride. We are literally performing sexual acts upon ourselves while lusting over a naked body when viewing pornography or by fantasizing in our minds, we value our desires for the flesh over our desire to live in integrity and follow the path of Christ. 

Maybe for some, pornography is a “solution” when we feel like we don’t have much value as a person. Starting at an early age, the combination of feeling sadness and the numbing effect of pornography. Instead of understanding that our value has already been determined and confirmed by our existence, we are programmed to believe we can go to pornography to feel valued. The programming itself is societal norms and the lack of proper guidance at an early age. 

Like a slave, we give up our autonomy to another entity, and in return, we receive the bonds of lust and seduction. As stated above, we are never fully satisfied with the content, and instead of receiving the peace that we are pursuing to heal the pain, we instead gain shame and self-resentment. The more we go down the rabbit hole of viewing porn, the more shame we feel which then calls for more of the “solution” to numb the pain and resentment, ultimately creating a tortuous cycle of self-imprisonment. 

There are consequences of porn that we may not think of, and the consequences are certainly not in the front of our mind when we view porn, but these consequences are real and affect others. So these consequences must be reviewed.

As a first step, a simple way of looking at the whole subject of porn is the command to love one another.  Jesus said “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’” (Matt 22: 37-39, NIV) So we need to note that a person (the person in the picture) has a heart, soul, and mind. However, when dealing with porn, we are looking at a picture or a TV screen and looking at someone’s body. We are not looking, we are not interested in their heart or their mind. We have relegated a person to a single category of a body, instead of fully encompassing their full humanity. Therefore, when we view porn we are falling short in our actions and not treating the person as fully human. We are literally objectifying them. This is a very easy way of showing that our actions do not align with God’s will. (Refer to Porn Free Millenial’s posts called Suns Out, Buns Out, Mother’s Day and Porn, and The Male Gaze, where the term objectification is discussed and unpacked.)

This is one of the clearest signs that pornography is nefarious, sinister, and an anti-human instrument of the devil because the act of consuming pornography is the act of turning that person in the content into a sexual object for your pleasure.

When we consume the pornographic content, we fight the urge to think of that woman as a mother, sister, friend, cousin, etc., and instead trick ourselves into disassociating the humanity of the individual and see them as an object, a product for consumption.

The Gospel writer John says there are three main categories of sin: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. He wrote, “For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.” (1 John 2:16, NIV) Pornography obviously causes users to lust after the flesh, and it is undeniably a lust of the eyes. It may therefore be hard to agree but viewing pornography itself is not sinful. Every (caring) parent when changing their child’s nappy (diaper) will not be viewing their child’s body with a sexual motive but simply carrying out the necessary job of cleaning the child. Eve did not sin when she saw the fruit on the tree. Eve’s sin came when she disobeyed God and ate the fruit. So, to see a naked body is not sinful, however, we sin when we act out what we see. The problem with porn is that it inevitably leads to the lust of the eyes. Porn at its root is, therefore, a heart problem, it's what we desire, and what we see. 

We struggle to be able to see these beautiful beings as creations of God, as fellow humans that are autonomous and that have a soul, and not simply as a piece of meat to consume in the futile attempt to satisfy our endless desires.

Next, pornography does not qualify as one of the things we are to think about. Paul wrote, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”(Phil 4:8, NIV). Pornography is addictive, and we are not to be mastered by anything, again Paul wrote, “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.” (1 Cor 6:12, NIV) And Peter wrote, “They promise them freedom, while they themselves are slaves of depravity—for “people are slaves to whatever has mastered them.” (2 Pet 2:19, NIV). Therefore, lusting in the mind, which is the essence of pornography, is offensive to God. Matthew recorded that Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matt 5:28, NIV) Lastly, pornography is destructive, Solomon wrote, “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes. For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread, but another man’s wife preys on your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?”(Prov 6:25–28, NIV) and Paul wrote, “Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.” (Eph 4:19, NIV).

From a spouse’s point of view, the husband looking at porn is devastating. First of all, she is now competing with another woman who has taken their husband's attention. Next, the wife may not be able to compete in terms of “beauty”, compared with the model in the picture. Her self-esteem then takes a hit, as she is not seen by her husband as attractive enough to satisfy him. Porn can be devastating for the spouse. She has not looked at porn but her whole world has collapsed around her. Worse still, she may regard the viewing of porn as adultery, which then leads to divorce. Porn is, therefore, devastating for marriages and for innocent children who are growing up without a father. God now has to heal not only the man with the porn addiction but also the wife with her loss of self-esteem, and the children who are suffering the trauma of losing a loved one.

Porn Free Milleniel can testify to how devastating the use of pornography and the baggage that comes with it is to a marriage. After being married for 5 years, his divorce was finalised last March of 2023. The porn addiction was the root cause of his divorce. It devastated his wife's trust in him as her husband because he broke his vow to stay true to her and lied about the frequency of my porn use. 

Throughout the years, of constantly lying about his addiction, because of his guilt, shame, and immaturity, this proved to be the fatal wound of what was a promising marriage that otherwise would still be alive and well. Throughout the marriage, he did have times of sobriety through putting in the work in therapy, group coaching, and 1:1 coaching but there was a significant amount of trust lost and pain that was caused.

Therefore, If you do not view pornography seriously, then you are putting your marriage/relationship in grave danger, and delaying the inevitable day where the secrets will come to light and will cause incredible damage to your relationship and future. 

Overcoming pornography

However, the Good News of Jesus Christ, the gospel message for us today is that we can find freedom from the bondage of pornography. God’s plan for your life, including His design for your sexuality, is far, far better than anything sin entices you with.

There are two primary aspects in the battle to overcome an addiction to internet porn: spiritual and practical. Spiritually, pornography addiction is a sin that God wants you to overcome and will enable you to do so. The first step is to make sure you have genuinely placed your trust in Jesus Christ as your Saviour. Without salvation through Jesus Christ, there is no possibility of a true and lasting victory over pornography: “Apart from me, you can do nothing” (John 15:5, NIV).

If you are a believer in Christ and are struggling with an addiction to internet porn, there is hope and help for you!  I don’t want to restate what I said in my previous post about masturbation but the power of the Holy Spirit is available to you, it is available to all believers. (Eph 3:16). The cleansing of God’s forgiveness is available to you (1 John 1:9). The renewing capacity of God’s Word is at your disposal (Romans 12:1-2). We need to commit our minds and eyes to the Lord (1 John 2:16). (Throughout my whole Christian life, I have offered up to God each part of my body, asking him to cleanse me and then use my members to further His kingdom). Ask God to strengthen you and help you to overcome pornography (Phil 4:13, NIV). Ask God to protect you from further exposure to porn (1 Cor 10:13) and to fill your mind with things that are pleasing to Him (Phil 4:8). These are all requests that God will honour and will answer positively.

Do not despair! An addiction to internet porn is not an “unforgivable sin.” God can and will forgive you. An addiction to internet porn is not an “unconquerable sin.” God can and will enable you to overcome it. Commit yourself to filling your mind with God’s Word (Psalm 119:11). Seek His help daily in prayer; ask Him to fill your mind with His truth and block unwanted thoughts and desires. Remember that God is the one “who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us” (Eph 3:20, NIV).

Let me repeat what I have just said above. For those involved in pornography, God can and will give victory to those who seek Him. Are you involved with pornography and desire freedom from it? Here are some steps to victory:

1. Confess your sin to God (1 John 1:9).

2. Ask God to cleanse, renew, and transform your mind (Rom 12:2).

3. Ask God to fill your mind with things that are true, honourable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable (Phil 4:8)—and consume media that can be described that way.

4. Ask God to reveal the void in your heart you are trying to fill with pornography, and ask Him to help you find your satisfaction in Him (Psalm 16:11; 37:4).

5. Learn to possess your body in holiness (1 Thess 4:3–4).

6. Understand the proper meaning of sex and rely on your spouse alone to meet that need (1 Cor 7:1–5).

7. Realise that, if you walk in the Spirit, you will not fulfil the lusts of the flesh (Gal 5:16). Therefore, pray in the Spirit if you feel you are being tempted to view porn. 

Porn Free Millenium points out:

“I would not be in the position I am without my faith in God and Him working through me. 

When I was at my lowest, almost two years ago, I didn’t really see much point in moving on in life. After seeing that my marriage was on its deathbed, I didn’t really see a point in existing. I felt like an ultimate failure and that I let down everyone - God, myself, my wife, our families, etc. 

I do remember internally and verbally crying out to God for a boulder to cling to in the raging river of chaos I was drowning in. However, God delivered, and I was able to seek help and get help. 

I held on to Him and got reconnected to my Bible Study Men's group, my Christian therapist, my Porn Recovery Coach - who is a Pastor and a podcaster (Finding Traction & Pastors on Porn), and I got back into the Word/speaking to God on a daily basis.

Through this work, I have been able to regain my foundation as a child of God and gather the courage to fight the enemy with the Lord behind me.

A little over a year ago, I started my Substack and Podcast Porn Free Millennial to share my story and experiences to encourage others who struggle with this foe in their life.

Every day, I thank God for his Grace and His ability to work through me. Through God, I understand that through my pain, I have found my purpose. 

If you are struggling, I encourage you to have faith that God will lead you to the light and that through your pain, you will find your purpose.”

Lastly, take practical steps to reduce your exposure to pornographic images. 

For starters stop using a smartphone. I don’t have a smartphone. I have a simple phone.  If you need to have a SATNAV/ GPS, then buy a SATNAV/ GPS (I have a Garmin SATNAV). If you need to have a smartphone then make sure your phone is synchronised with your spouse's phone so that she can see what you are browsing (My laptop is synchronised with my wife’s devices and I NEVER sign into any website as a guest.) My wife can see every website I visit. DO NOT give your children smartphones, this is just allowing your children to play with fire. If your children are of an age where a smartphone becomes an issue then again make sure their phone is synchronised with your devices, so that you can see what they are browsing. And make sure that they know that you can see everything that they see, as that takes the temptation away from them.

The following are tools to combat an addiction to internet pornography:

There are good programmes available at www.X3pure.com and www.PureDesire.org. Several internet filtering programmes will completely block your computer from accessing pornography, such as Covenant Eyes, PureDesire, and X3Watch. Covenant Eyes, Accountable2U and X3watch are also accountability software providers. It tracks your internet browsing and sends a report of any objectionable websites you have visited to an accountability partner of your choosing. Your temptation to view internet porn would be greatly reduced if you knew your youth pastor, parent, friend, pastor, or spouse would receive a detailed report about it. 

A few Podcasts are dealing with porn, including Finding Traction and Porn Free Radio. For Porn Free Millenium’s podcast, the links are below: 

Apple - Episode 8 is the most popular episode - The Porn Prison - 

 

and

Spotify - Episode 8 is the most popular episode - The Porn Prison - 

There are also quite a few good books on overcoming porn addiction: Sexual Detox: A Guide for Guys Who Are Sick of Porn by Tim Challies and 5 Steps to Breaking Free from Porn by Joe Dallas. 

These practical tools can help gain victory over sin as a heart issue behind pornography addiction or consumption is addressed.

Ultimately,  we need to love God and our spouses more to overcome the gravitational pull of porn.